dang it, she said something like that once and it was awesome! Like I am a weak girlfriend. so shouldnt she, then, be the adult in this situation? But now i'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend due to our differences. That being said, take my advice with the grain of bitter salt. family, isnt a bad thing. This is what I was wondering as well! No . But like I said in another comment, the only valid reasons I see for this big of a snub are stealing, physical violence, or cheatng with the SILs spouse. If no obvious reasons come to mind, you may just have to come to the realization that you were left out, for any number of reasons, all of which may be personal. Anyway, my cousin decided to stay with his wife after a separation of several monthsI know a few people encouraged him to leave her, but pretty much everyone just said Ill support whatever you decide to do. Everyone acted like adults, because it was his decision and in the end it wasnt truly our business. Make yourself known, make it known your not lying down, not letting them decide what your family is going to look like. I totally agree with Waps, and was thinking it myself. But if he NEVER invites you out, when the group is big and mixed, he just doesnt want to spend time with you. Since then she hates me. Its what I do. Then she should also talk to her husband about how upset she is that he is not standing up for her. I don't know, I mean, I was always under the assumption that you don't invite someone to someone else's event unless given permission from the event thrower to do so. you can repair bridges you have burnt with your new family. I can only guess that I must have done something to offend her but Ive racked my brain and truly have no idea what it was. In the span of two years I have seen his family two times, two hours total. It Was a Last Minute Decision Because, if he shows any signs of social anxiety or awkwardness in public, those feelings are going to be intensified at a family event. January 15, 2013, 10:06 pm. Yesterday he was at my place, and said hes going out for drinks, so I didnt ask anything, assuming he was going out with his colleagues, but still felt it was a bit rude but I just thought to myself Im over sensitive about it. Its worth looking at the larger picture here and asking yourself if hes keeping you a secret from his family, or just doesnt want you to meet them? This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. On the one hand, your spouse is your closest relationship and you should always have their back. It's perfectly acceptable to want to hang out without our SO sometimes. You feel like you're a part of something and that feels good. I wouldn't choose any of them as a friend. ok, im back to agreeing with you. Addie Pray by not making a fuss about the husband going, the LW will be taking the high road, and above all, be telling the family that what they do doesnt personally effect her, which it shouldnt anyway. Amybelle Perhaps that is one reason why FSIL doesnt like you so much. I am not putting you in a position to choose your spouse over your familyyou separated me from them by not considering me family worthy or we would have been all together solving it. Even the most understanding family may start to chafe if theyve tried to welcome a new spouse into the fold but s/he chooses to stand apart and draw lines in the sand, as you said. 4. Well I didnt really mean that no adult should celebrate their birthday, but its not a big deal which is why the husband should stay home if the wifes not invited (for any reason). Ive married a stranger. reader, So_Very_Confused+, writes (5 May 2014): A Theres got to be some reason the LW wasnt included, and I feel like the LW probably knows why, but left that out. Anyway, I dont know your specific circumstances, but I do know what its like to feel hopeless and helpless about situations in your life you cannot control or change. I totally see your point, Addie, but at the same time, even if that is the case, she shouldnt give her SIL more occasion to prove her right. In conclusion, I am saying that we do not have enough information to know why the LW was excluded or whether she needs to make amends for poor behavior. I have to wonder if it isnt something like this. I think ensuring that your family isnt homeless is drastically different from requesting that they spend your vacation time cleaning their attic. And I *really* would like LW to respond here with more info a lot more info, right now. Have a party, fine, go nuts, but dont get all sensitive if your friends dont throw you a surprise party or dont fly across the country to party with you or dont get you presents. lets_be_honest He says that he understands why Im hurt and doesnt deny that I was purposely excluded, but, at the end of the day, the greater slight would be to his sister if he was not there to support her. 8. To prove to YOU how committed he is? I agree with Wendy 100% that it doesnt affect the foundation of your marriage. This is an out of state party, and to only invite her brotherYikes. So basically, shes not invited anymore! January 15, 2013, 11:43 am. If not, I assume thered be some mention of surprise or confusion, and there is none. In my opinion, once youre married your spouse becomes your #1 ally in the world. That's weird! I dont think it compromises the integrity of the marriage, but it does put a wedge between the husband and the wife where he could have used the opportunity to solidify how much he cares for her. How should I approach this? But maybe in their eyes it just doesnt matter, and what you can do to keep your relationship with your husband strong is smooth waves of others making. Does it get to be different if its Christmas, his mom is alcoholic, thinks his adult boys are too fragile to see their dad with anyone 7 years post divorce? He doesn't take me out with his friends. They both managed to have a perfectly fine time and act like adults because, well, they are adults! Chime in any time LW, FireStar Addie Pray Where does it say he was EXPECTED to attend? you cant be like, SIL- act like an adult! They mostly did it when I was alone so I think that he thought that I was being too sensitive. If hes not made your relationship public on social media and youve never met a single member of his family, you have a bigger issue than just not attending events. January 15, 2013, 9:53 pm, The LW Im not against drawing a line in the sand or ultimatums but it seems you told your husband me or her and he picked her. Maybe the answer would have been "no". My advice is a bit different. And from the pointed, clipped vagueness of the letter here, it is quite obvious (to me) that the LW knows damn well WHY she was excluded but has deliberately chosen NOT to tell us. Red_Lady LW, I think you should either flat out ask your husband what the f is going on or call your SIL and ask her what the f is going on. 1. Existing. female I go back on what I wrote earlier, I think you should contact the SIL directly and express some honesty I mean best case scenario it was a misunderstanding and your husband is a bit of a pushover, medium case is that your SIL is a nuts control freak and your husband is ok with that worst case is that there is something else going on in Chicago. Im starting to get really pissed at the LW. If it was every now and again, or planned nights out with a mix of friends every other Friday that he likes being alone at or whatever, sure. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. On the other hand, it's also on the BF to vocalize his own needs with regards to handling her anxiety in an understanding and empathetic way, and making assumptions for her on her potential needs is bullshit. Here's 22 signs he absolutely, under no circumstances, wants to be your boyfriend. Yeah, I would be offended if my fiances family considered me an outsider after were married. And I think she is. Dianne MacKay This means hes not just avoiding a certain person or an awkward situation, hes trying to keep you and this part of his life a secret for some reason. (Gee, I wonder why) And that speaks volumes in my book Look, its bad enough. jlyfsh This shouldnt undermine the entire integrity of you marriage. January 15, 2013, 9:32 am. Yes, alopecia. It sounds like theres no obvious reason why you arent included, and no concrete proof that youre not invited. Sometimes when someone is being a total douche, you just gotta sit back and allow them to show their cards. Whether it's your birthday, an anniversary or Valentine's Day, he should want to be there with you. alright. Why wasn't I invited?" The next go to a spa, get your makeup professionally done, then go out with girlfriends for overpriced drinks. I think it depends on the relationship though too. He doesnt make you feel like one of the most special people in the world (try not to vom down yourself). Victims often choose romantic partners who are abusive too, without even realising it. To show that he has a stronger allegiance to you than to his family? i think the adult thing to do would be to go to the party, tell the sister that shes being a jerk, LW to graciously stay at home, and then for the SIL to look like the jerk that she is, like bossy italian wife said. Phil lives in England, UK, and has around 20 years experience as a professional life, career and executive coach. It will do you no good to pace back and forth, wondering if he's going to actually ask you to come along. if you find them irritating. Do you really want to go to the party or do you just want your husband to stay home? Aside from that I think you need to have a real talk with him. I agree that the LW is a bit dramatic in the whole this will unravel our marriage thing, but I would be pretty pissed if my husband was going to take a substantial trip to go to a family event without me, and without even inquiring about it. You Go Girl Guess what that would do? Since the day you said i do, you are family. 16. This never feels good, but you can never control how other people feel. January 15, 2013, 11:49 am. Not because the LW should be welcome in your scenario, she understandably is not. January 15, 2013, 11:42 am. is he really supposed to drop all his family because his wife doesnt life them? My boyfriend doesn't invite me to the Thanksgiving party. Nothing. January 15, 2013, 11:09 am. And guess whaaat, not invited today either. Which is cute and polite, no? Formal party? Addie Pray Its possible that sibling loyalty, however, would tell her to assist her brother in covering up the fact that it was HIM that preferred you not go. I got carded?! Or, at the very least enables you to talk openly to him and figure out what it is hes hiding. Ive been married almost nine years, which is a drop in the bucket compared to some marriages, but certainly longer than half a second. We have a great marriage but it hasnt been a bed of roses, and I have the hair loss to prove it. GatorGirl My brother helped his in-laws with bills because they needed it, even though he is saving money for basic things, like a car and a house. My husband and I have had many discussions on whats behind their treatment of me and us as a couple, and hes right- what ever reason they give themselves for not liking me, theyre just not going to change until they are ready to change, and forcing all of us, myself included, to sit together for events Im clearly not wanted at and to which I dont really want to go doesnt make our relationship stronger, doesnt bring any of us closer to acceptance. I have been married for 33 yrs and now that my husband has stopped talking to his family (which was 100% his idea after my BIL got in my face at a wedding) we have gotten so much closer. But it is also possible that the LW is being excluded even though she did nothing wrong. Shes not upset that she wasnt invited, shes upset that her husband wants to go. ), just separation and silence from both parties. Readers from more normal families may have trouble fathoming the depth of the dysfunction in my family, and may assume that I must be at fault because only very serious issues would cause them to act in such a mean fashion. bittergaymark Ive told him my feelings and I do feel that my role is now to take the high road and not be petty. Well I dont know about him but things that are special to me I want them to myself. I guess its because I feel so terrible about not being invited but yet he is still choosing to go. But what if the background story is the in-laws have been horrible to LW for years and her husband has done NOTHING to defend her, ever, except to tell her to suck it up. January 15, 2013, 3:56 pm. theattack But has chosen not to. reader, llifton+, writes (3 May 2014): A My husbands opinion is that a mailed invitation would have been really bad, but that the text method was only kind of bad. Add your answer to this question! Seriously. Tl;dr: boyfriend never invited me to hand out with his friends and their girlfriends even though i know them, and even though I invite him to hang out with my friends all the time. I actually wouldn't ask why he didn't want you there. And, if the LW is so awful that the husband totally gets why no one in his family wants to see her, then thats a marital issue they need to address. Her husband has already decided to go over her objections. (& What To Do). When you feel close to someone, it's easy to expect what you might call emotional symmetry. Im just not continuing to take this abusive behaviour. But what the clever little chap does do is ignore your texts and calls while hes out for a messy one with the lads. If you guys are going to build a future together, this is something youre going to have to get past at some point. He didnt even introduce you. January 15, 2013, 2:05 pm, Im celebrating the shit out of 35, bc theres no way Im making it to 80, Addie Pray Assuming shes never invited to anything again. You say you're trying to be more social, does he know this? I find it hard to believe LW doesnt know why she was excluded. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. That isnt a small deal. Every time I bring up the subject or ask about why, he deflects the questions and says his family is always busy. My husband and I have faced the kinds of challenges typical of a couple in their 40s who has been together a dozen years (caring for aging parents, death of a parent, various illness, job and money and housing woes, miscarriage, special needs parenting challenges, and juggling demands on our time and energy from a variety of sources, for example), but I count my many, many blessings and dont feel I have anything to be miserable or bitter about at all. And people who refuse to address issues like that? Either way it'll be a selfish reason, do not go and enter no contact with him. You told him how you felt and he brushed it off. It would definitely help to know if theres a history of bad blood between the LW and the SIL, or if the SIL has done this in the past. . in her song, Everything Has Changed. Get to know your husband better by discussing your differing sexual appetites and mores, and how to accommodate them. 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